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The Story of my Deconversion, Deprogramming, Reconversion and Awakening - Part 1: Shook One


Under the Big Tent


It happened under a big tent. The tent was smaller than but similar to those used by circuses, which was intentional. Starting in the 19th century evangelicals used these types of tents to host large revivals and recruitment meetings. The idea was to be able to accommodate large crowds and invoke the interest of any passersby. The meetings were known by various names. This one was called a crusade and it was held at the beginning of the 21st century and hosted by the local Seventh-day Adventist church. 


The speaker was David Hill, a former bishop of the Church of the Living God. Bishop Hill had recently resigned from his position and persuaded 150 members of his congregation to leave their denomination with him.  The reason for their exodus was their new conviction of the importance and relevance of Saturday as the Sabbath of the Ten Commandments.  This is precisely why he was invited by the local Seventh-day Adventist Church to speak during this evangelistic series. The hope was that his sermons and testimony would convince other Christians to accept the Sabbath and in turn other doctrines of the Seventh-day Adventist church, but it had the opposite affect on me.  


Bishop Hill was a dynamic speaker with an energetic stage presence, but I found nothing he said to be persuasive. No fault of his as there were many people convicted by his presentation during the course of those meetings, but as a lifelong Seventh-day Adventist at the time, I was already convinced of the truth of his recent discovery of the Sabbath. With me he was already preaching to the choir. So why do I say he had the opposite affect on me?  Well it had to do with his personal testimony and a little admonishment that was attached to it.  


The elderly preacher shared how he came to study the topic of the Sabbath and how he was convicted of Saturday being God’s Sabbath and the true day set aside by God for worship. He then shared how based on that conviction he left behind his parish house, car, salary, pension, and lifelong friendships.  He then admonished the people with the words that would change the course of my life. He told the small crowd to stop looking at the bible through the lens of their denomination. That statement stuck with me and soon became the affirmation for all the bold steps I would take thereafter.


My State of Mind


The process was far from easy. For context you need to understand my state of mind at the time. My life was dedicated to the service of God and by dedication I don’t mean merely attending weekly worship services. My life was one marked by abstention and regulation. Abstaining from pork, shell fish and other unclean meats, alcoholic and caffeinated drinks, movie theaters, secular music, wearing of jewelry, tobacco, drugs, premarital sex, masturbation, contact sports, competition, love interest outside of the faith, secular novels and books, card games, dancing, parties, bowling, any activity besides religious activities from sunset Friday to sunset Saturday, Christmas, Easter, Halloween or any other pagan holiday, just to list a few, but then again I was moderate. A long list but all believed to be dictated by God to the author Ellen Gould White and recorded in her numerous books and manuscripts. 


Ellen G. White’s, born Harmon, role in the church is misunderstood by many in and outside of the church. To most she is a prophetess, although she humbly rejects the title. For Seventh-day Adventists her writings have authority on a slightly lesser level than the Bible. Nevertheless her writings were and are recognized as the transcribed words of God. This status was conferred on the writings by former Millerites shortly after the Great Disappointment.  Ellen was a Millerite herself following the teachings of William Miller a 19th century American Baptist preacher who claimed to have deciphered the date of the second coming of Jesus by calculating time periods from various biblical prophecies. Mr. Miller’s first date was set some time between March 21, 1843, and March 21, 1844.  When March 21, 1844 passed a new date of April 18, 1844 was set. When that date passed further study was done and October 22, 1844 was selected. In advance of the date many believers sold their possessions to prepare for the coming of Jesus. When Jesus failed to arrive Miller’s followers became rudderless and in steps Ellen G. White. 


“It was not long after the passing of the time, in 1844, that my first vision was given me. I was visiting Mrs. Haines at Portland, a dear sister in Christ, whose heart was knit with mine; five of us, all women, were kneeling quietly at the family altar. While we were praying, the power of God came upon me as I had never felt it before”  Christian Experience and Teachings of Ellen G. White, p.57.


In the vision that would follow the then Ellen Harmon saw the Advent people traveling on a lit, straight and narrow path from earth to a city.  The light lighting the path was the Midnight Cry, a reference to the Parable of the Ten Virgins found in Matthew 25. This parable is about a wedding feast at which ten virgins with lamps a lit waited for the arrival of the bride groom.  It is announced at midnight that the bride groom has arrived, but unfortunately half of the virgins’ lamps ran out of oil so they left to get them refilled. They were refused entry by the bride groom when they returned. The bride groom interpreted as Jesus Christ and the Midnight Cry was the announcement made by Miller and others about Jesus Christ’s imminent return. In Mrs. White’s vision the Advent people were lead by Jesus and if they kept their eyes on him while keeping on the path lit by the Midnight Cry they would make it to the city safely. If anyone got tired or doubted that God gave them this message of Jesus Christ’s imminent return they were left in darkness and fell off the path into darkness and the “wicked world” below. Those who remained on the path 144,000 in number, consistent with Bible prophecy, were told by God the date and hour of Jesus’s coming. 


“I related this vision to the believers in Portland, who had full confidence that it was from God. They all believed that God had chosen this way, after the great disappointment in October, to comfort and strengthen His people.” Christian Experience and Teachings of Ellen G. White, p.61.


The Millerites splintered with many returning to traditional Christian denominations. Others held on to hope encouraged by Ellen White’s vision. They began to study the prophecies. One of the these study groups consisted of Hiram Edson of New York State, Dr. F. B. Hahn, a physician, and O. R. L. Crosier, a teacher. Mr. Edson recalls having his own vision while walking in a corn field. He saw Jesus in the heavenly sanctuary entering into the most holy place. Shortly afterward his study group concluded that Mr. Miller was not wrong about the October 22, 1844 date but was incorrect about the event. They believed that on that date Jesus, acting as a high priest in the heavenly sanctuary, moved from the holy place to the Holy of Holies to perform the work of atonement.  This heavenly sanctuary they say was what Israel’s sanctuary on earth was modeled after.  Drawing from their understanding of the ceremonies perform by the high priest on earth they concluded that when Jesus finishes his work in the Holy of Holies and leaves that no more sins could be forgiven.  As a result the door to salvation would be close and those would sinned after that time would not be saved. Mr. Crosier wrote an article outlining their findings and Ellen White wrote a statement on April 21, 1847, declaring: “The Lord showed me in vision, more than one year ago, that Brother Crosier had the true light, on the cleansing of the sanctuary, etc.; and that it was His will, that Brother Crosier should write out the view which he gave us in the Day-Star Extra, February 7, 1846. I feel fully authorized by the Lord, to recommend that Extra, to every saint.”—A Word to the Little Flock, p. 12.


In similar fashion the position on the importance of Saturday as Sabbath was confirmed in the vision given to Ellen White on April 3, 1847. In fact, all of the core doctrines of the Seventh-day Adventist Church were developed in this way. Others studied the Bible came to a conclusion, published them, Ellen G. White reads them and then has a vision to confirm the conclusion. Coming out of her visions she would write “I was shown…” followed by a pronouncement of correctness or error of some person’s interpretation. As she states herself these people made emotionally vulnerable by the Great Disappointment found “comfort and strength” in Ellen G. White as their direct line of communication to God. She affirmed their beliefs and decisions. They had not wasted their time and sold their possessions for nothing.  She at the same time she framed those who had come to face the reality of their error in date setting as turning their backs on God’s truth. They were lost souls in darkness and anyone among their small group of faithful believers who exercised doubt on the “light” that they were given would quickly join them. This developed into a reliance on  Ellen G. White as an indispensable arbiter of all aspects of their lives and the lives of their descendants.  In fact this gift of prophecy is seen as one of the identifying marks of God’s remnant people, further affirmation of the correctness of their actions. Unlike the others they were faithful to God, a special people, a remnant and as proof and to help them to the finish line God had given them the spirit of prophecy through Ellen G. White. A defining mark of God’s remnant people defined in Revelation 12:17.


Ellen G. White’s role as the voice piece of God at first was limited to confirming the conclusion of other Bible researchers. When her authority was challenged she was also shown visions similar to how she saw the doubting Adventists falling into darkness in her first vision, the evil influences coming over her critics.  These visions where transcribed in letters to these individuals then later compiled into volumes called Testimonies for the Church. It is from these volumes that many of the abstentions I mentioned earlier can be found, including some rarely spoken of, like the warning about the bicycle craze found in Testimonies for the Church Volume 8.



These volumes controlled the church members until the early 1990s. They haven’t been officially abandon, however, few Seventh-day Adventist “SDA” preachers in North America seem to use them as source material for preaching and Bible studies. This is a huge point of contention with more conservative Seventh-day Adventists who see the decrease in their use as a fulfillment of one of Ellen G. White’s prophecies. “Though very unbelieving in regard to the sure word of prophecy, they manifest the utmost credulity in accepting anything detrimental to the Christian integrity of those who dare to reprove fashionable sins. This spirit will increase more and more as we near the close of time.” The Spirit of Prophecy, Volume 4 p. 292.


The First Bold Step


It is understandable how devote 19th century Christians moved by conviction to sell all they own would cling to words of affirmation about the correctness of their bold actions from a young lady presuming to speak for God. It is not clear how devote 21st century Christian like myself would cling to those same words centuries later. The answer is actually rather simple, I grew up in the church.  In the same way other Christians are taught to unquestionably believe in the authority of the Bible as the word of God, so I was taught that the writings of Ellen G. White were also the word of God. They were one of the defining marks of God’s remnant church.  In the same fashion that the early Adventists heard Ellen White’s first vision and out of fear of being cast into darkest dared not doubt, I dare not entertain doubt out of fear of being lost should Jesus choose to return when I was in a moment of doubt. So I dare not challenge the Spirit of Prophecy, which is what Ellen White’s writings are called, because the Spirit of Prophecy saids that in the last days people will challenge her writings. 


The reasoning is circular but effective in instilling fear. Fear of an unforgiving God who for some reason would look passed a Christian’s years of devotion because they expressed their humanness in the form of doubt.


“I asked the meaning of the shaking I had seen, and was shown that it would be caused by the straight testimony called forth by the counsel of the True Witness to the Laodiceans. This will have its effect upon the heart of the receiver, and will lead him to exalt the standard and pour forth the straight truth. Some will not bear this straight testimony. They will rise up against it, and this is what will cause a shaking among God's people.” Christian Experience and Teachings of Ellen G. White, p. 176  


“Some had been shaken out and left by the way. The careless and indifferent, who did not join with those who prized victory and salvation enough to perseveringly plead and agonize for it, did not obtain it, and they were left behind in darkness, and their places were immediately filled by others taking hold of the truth and coming into the ranks. Evil angels still pressed around them, but could have no power over them. Christian Experience and Teachings of Ellen G. White, p. 177



This is what made Bishop Hill’s words and testimony so powerful to me in that moment. This aged preacher sweating under the big tent gave up his house, car, pension, fellowship and salary because of his conviction. He risked it all in the pursuit of truth and the key was that he was relying on God to lead him and not the dictates of his denomination. This was the fuel I needed to look at scripture untainted by the perspective of my former denomination or any other for that matter. The scales that block my ability to reason and see clear were removed as if Jesus spat in my eye or Ananias laid hands on me like what was done for Saul.  The first revelation was sola scriptura, the doctrine of scripture along. It was clear to me that no extra biblical source was necessary to supplement the Bible. Most of the church’s doctrines have the ability to stand on their own footing through biblical proofs. At best the Spirit of Prophecy was an unnecessary crutch. At worst a mechanism used to control and retain membership through perpetual fear. 


My first bold step was to reject Ellen.

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